17

Tries 3
Conversions 1

17

Tries 3
Conversions 1

And now the end is near
So we face the final curtain
My friends I’ll say it clear
They did it their way….

1. Match report – the Battle of Carthage

2. A Touchline Tribute – reflections on a magical season

• ‘Our team’: What was the chemistry behind this ‘band of brothers’?
• ‘Our boys’: Who were these swashbuckler?
• Forever young and always in our hearts ….

Part I: Match Report – the Battle of Carthage

Now all patched up after that recent euphemistic ‘wrong turn’ across the Rhine which landed our Praetorian Guard in the ‘not so hospitable’ fields of Soggy Bottomus, in the province of Hester’s Way, Germania some weeks ago (Saracens!). Fortunately, none of our fine young centurions ended up in Elysium and have lived to fight in one more campaign, but it was a close call. Having regrouped much the wiser, Julius Caesar no less, gave our Legion one final mission and that was to put down the rebellion in Carthage (hopefully not carnage), near Minchinhampton. The land down South is more arid and ‘horsy’ but with the odd elephant and we were wary, nonetheless, of another ambush. From previous close encounters, we had learned to be respectful of them. We crossed the Rubicon (sounds more dramatic than the River Chelt!!), marching around Mount Vesuvius (Crickley Hill) thus avoiding those wild, marauding people of Painswick on our journey south. We couldn’t miss the battlefield with what appeared to be Egyptian vultures circling ominously overhead but they turned out to be a few cheeky seagulls over the clubhouse looking for a morsel from a tasty bacon buttie!!! We had 22 talented warriors in our squad today meaning we had 7 on the bench and thus would need the trusty team abacus (Chris, Andy, Simon & Stu) to make sure we optimised our substitutions. Given it was mid-April, it was sunless and still disappointingly chilly – when does this country warm up?

We received the kick and a bit of indecision meant that Minch regathered possession and were able to put their wrestling style of play into action straight away with their powerful grinding forwards, putting us under a lot of pressure almost immediately. We defended heroically but seemed to have been caught unaware by the ferocity of their onslaught and they went on to score a well-constructed TRY which was converted. Minch put down a marker for how they intended to play and to be fair have always played against us – could we respond?

7 – 0 Try and conversation to Minchinhampton

Fortunately, we were able to get our hands on the ball and showed them what we were capable of with our contrasting style of play particularly in the broken loose. We had a series of searing interplays which took us up field and into their 22. This included magic loose forward, Max Stanley-Jones, on the charge and then with great awareness finding fellow loose forward, the instinctive ‘Faf’ le Roux, on his shoulder (and who generally made a real nuisance of himself towards Minch) to continue the momentum. A bit later our inspirational Captain Marvellous and centre, Alex Moore, showed his class with a breath-taking break to make important yards before off-loading to demon winger, Charlie Langmaid, who was expertly positioned on his shoulder to continue the move. After more positive play we ended up with a ruck just short of their line. Sensing space on the blind, our astute scrum half, Harry Burridge, moved the ball quickly to mobile prop Luke ‘Skywalker’ Smith on the charge and he ran a clever straight line sucking in the Minch defenders before deftly popping the ball to outstanding lock, Josh ‘HIMARS’ Hansen, who wasn’t going to be stopped from there to score a really well-worked team TRY.

5 – 7 Try to Josh Hansen

Following more see-saw, we started to dominate by playing our ‘hit and run’ game which Minch found hard to counter. The whole team contributed to our momentum shift, but it was the forwards who were fighting it hand-to-hand against the physical Minch pack. Again, numerous names, but standouts included our lock, the indefatigable Charlie Houlston and our other dynamic loosie, Angus ‘Zinzan’ Walker. ‘Sizzling’ Sam Woodward, our hunk of a hooker, had another great game with the lineout throw working particularly well. Prop, Ben ‘Rocky’ Chandler, had his work cut out in the tight against the Minch big men but showed his mettle as he has for many years. Crafty flyhalf, Barney Heath Smith, nearly wriggled free on several occasions and proved as elusive as ever. Classy winger, Dan Coolican Davies, again showed that ‘tenacity of purpose’ that we have all come to love about him. Taking a tricky ball over his shoulder from their kick, he then launched a dramatic counterattack, beating several players before off-loading and in the process warming the cockles in our hearts on an otherwise chilly day. A while later and from a penalty to us (offside) between their 10m and 22m line Alex took a trademark quick tap cutting across the field to deceptively suck in several players with an almost unstoppable run before an ‘out the back’ offload to our try scoring phenomena and winger, Isaac Evans. He still had work to do and showed his supersonic speed by cutting back in against the grain to flummox the covering defenders and go in unopposed under the posts for a fantastic TRY. Nonchalant Sam Stevens converted.

12 – 7 Try by Isaac Evans with the conversion from Sam Stevens

Absorbed in this battlefield drama, halftime came around much quicker than anyone anticipated. Given that we were playing into the breeze and against a formidable Minch team, being ahead by 5 was a great achievement – it felt like we might be in the ascendency. In the centre of the field and at our final senate meeting of the season, our messages were the same as they had for every game – encourage and stay positive. If we could keep up our style of play, knacker out their big forwards and use the wind to stay in their half, then Minch would have to do something special to come back – it sounded so simple!

With an auspicious start to the second half where we put Minch under pressure straight from the kickoff, we immediately got into our stride and things started to look up. Following a few phases, the ball found that wonder kid, Adam ‘Knight’ Ryder, who by no fluke was in his cherished Finn Russell position (but how?) – fly half (Adam, you can’t keep doing this, you are a forward and now no one will believe what I write!!!). To be fair there was not much on from this phase, but we were building. However, as we have come to expect from this rugby prodigy, he peered over the horizon to see what the rest of us could not, putting in an audacious double miss pass to find that danger man, Isaac, in a heap of space and he went over for a wonderful TRY. Adam’s Dad, Phil, was beaming from ear to ear and he looked ever so proud of his super-talented young son – as we all were. Johnnie ‘The Rocket’ Hogg stepped forward to convert, powering up his boosters and it was SO unluckily for us that it struck the upright and bounced back – he deserved that conversion and the Minch coach texted me this evening to say that their post is still rattling from the force of his kick.

17 – 7 Try to Isaac Evans

With a buffer of 10 points and having the wind on our backs, it looked like the momentum of the game was with us and we would go on to win this pulsating final game, however, we all breathed too soon. It wasn’t for our lack of effort, but to their credit, Minch regrouped and went back into playing their efficient and energy-sapping power game which we could not effectively counter. They have always been a great team based on traditional forward power which they have used to grind us down and this is exactly what they did in the last quarter. They had some very accomplished players including their influential and massive blond prop, General Hannibal, who clearly had been eating a lot of biltong (a compliment). Some of their other players reminded me of the fabled Carthaginian war elephants (another compliment), particularly their formidable centre who plays at hooker for the Gloucester DPP. With the power from their rumbling forward game, space started to open up and they went in for a well-worked TRY which they did not convert.

17 – 12 Try to Minchinhampton

We were still ahead but from a wayward kick, they ran back at us moving the ball wide to that bull elephant-like centre who ran amok and was unstoppable on the charge scoring an impressive TRY in the corner to draw the game level, but they did not convert. He scored 2 important tries for them today and was a handful for us – well done.

17 – 17 Try to Minchinhampton

With Minch camped in our half and pressing our line, we were happy to end the game with an honourable draw at 17 – 17 completing an incredible season for our lads and our whole touchline. What a game – we showed our ‘do or die’ spirit time and again to score some wonderful tries but credit to Minch who gave us a good run for our money through their impressive forward power. Veni, Vidi but not quite Vici!!! Given the ferocity of the final battle, let us be thankful that none of the lads ended up in Elysium or the Carthaginian equivalent. With the rebels nearly subdued, but our pride restored, an equilibrium settled on our empire, and we returned home to tender our Bactrian camels, prepare for GCSEs and lived happily ever after.

THE END

Part II: A touchline tribute – reflections on ’our’ magical team

When I refer to ‘our team’ I mean the team of our whole touchline (mums, dads, nans & pops, Gogos & grandpas, brothers & sisters, friends and cute canines).

‘Our team’: What was the chemistry behind this ‘band of brothers’?

It can feel like two contradictory forces, but how did ‘our boys’, both at the same time, take great care of each other and win at such a prolific rate? Is that what psychologist’s term cognitive dissonance? I’ll take a punt at responding. Perhaps the answer is part serendipity combined with young cavaliers just playing rugby the way they wanted to play it (and that we all loved to be a part of). Although more deserving of a published paper on organisational behaviour, my editor Laurence said no ‘War & Peace’!! Alas, just a paragraph about the ‘soul’ behind what, in my humble opinion, might have made our incredible team tick. By a twist of fate, our squad was augmented after we joined forces with 5 wonderful boys (& their families) who just happened to be amazing rugby players (The Big Five: Josh, Ed, Johnnie, Jack and Angus). Our 29 magnificent lads came from ten different schools (Balcarras, Bourneside, College, Crypt, Dean Close, King’s, Pates, St Edwards, Tommies and Winchcombe) making even the mythical 1973 Barbarians seem bland, boring, and predictable. The ‘esprit’s de corps’ they all helped to create came, in my view, from those crucial ‘human elements’ of self-esteem and self-confidence which ran like a golden thread through our team. This translated into how they treated each other, their rapport, trust, openness, and inclusivity of one-another. Apart from their unbridled talent and dramatic spirit, their adaptability and willingness to do whatever ‘their team’ needed including being substituted and playing out of position perhaps gives some clues behind the magic. Their collective mindset always seemed to have been about learning, improving, and having fun on their journey which proved to be a highly effective recipe – they were never going to die wondering!!! Paradoxically, for such a talented bunch, there didn’t seem to be much ego or defensiveness about these lads, but rather tons of humility. There was something congruent and deliciously sincere between what they said and what they did, and those ingredients seem so important in any successful team. So back to answering that opening question, maybe it’s because they did get all that ‘soft stuff’ right, which they combined with their prodigious talent, allowing the team to play such great rugby.

‘Our boys’: Who were these ‘Swashbucklers’?

That was a bit on the “I am Spartacus” team dynamics but let’s delve into the individuals. This posse was made up of a quixotic mix of 29 different personalities and I could so easily write a biography on each of their amazing attributes, talents, and the contributions they have made to our team over the years. Regrettably, my editor, lovely Laurence, will have words, so I’ll limit it to a special sentence on each of them:

1. ‘Abraham’s’ Aidan Bartlett- Various iconic tanks come to mind when describing Aidan and his defensive heroics against the mighty Saracens scimitar were just one incredible example. What I will long remember was his emotional intelligence, at the end of an early game this season, with his galvanising words of empathy about the importance of being kind to each other – it was exactly the right thing to say, and he set the tone for the whole season. Brene Brown, eat your heart out!

2. Henry ‘Maverick’ Brock- so much in common with the dashing Top Gun fighter ace, our charming risk-taker Henry felled many an opposition bogey, used his F-22 Raptor afterburners to set up or score important tries and had a dangerous ‘sidewinder missile’ boot up his sleeve to sting the opposition with.

3. ‘Intrepid’ Harry Burridge- Imperturbable, endearing calmness in the heat of battle with his unflappable temperament, this ‘horse whisperer’ acted as a crucial pivot connecting our previously untameable forwards with the talented backs and they even listened to him on occasion, he scored several important tries and was often the scrum half playing up the field and into the wind where he appeared to relish the challenge and helped to keep us in many a game.

4. Ben ‘Rocky’ Chandler – This gritty grafter of a street fighter was the team’s foundation stone in the tight and with a phenomenal work rate in the loose showed just how fit and mobile he was. Fortunately for us he didn’t quite end up in Valhalla, but he did play with broken bones on occasion. What an absolute star as well as being a lovely lad.

5. ‘Jaguar’ Jack Cochrane – With his cheeky smile and a leopard-like agility combined with a heart of gold, he was one of our most committed lads turning up for almost all training sessions and many games, he put a massive shift in for us. He always had the appetite to want to keep improving himself and it was great to see his self-confidence grow through the season.

6. Daniel ‘The Lion Heart’ Coolican Davies- An inspiration through his example, one of the most dogged people I’ve met, over the years he always gave our team 120%, often on the lonely wing and one of his best spells was at flank. Always ready to take one for the team, we have all admired many things about him particularly your perseverance and dry wit.

7. Ed ‘Cruncher’ Critchley- From playing against ‘The Crunch’ we all know just how talented, dangerous, and unyielding he was especially in close contact. We were gutted for him with his injury lay off and we appreciated his gracious support this season knowing just how much it must have hurt him not being able to be out there playing for us. He’s a great guy and has been an important part of our team.

8. Charlie ‘The Terminator’ Davis- The nicest lad off the field but lethal in close quarter combat, afraid of nothing – approach with caution, when a ‘big hit’ needed doing, this was the kid to deliver it. With this 4-wheel drive prototype there was only ever going to be one ferocious forward gear, he always put his body on the line for us and he never let his team down.

9. Isaac ‘Blackbird’ Evans- Runs at Mach 10, tries, assists, more tries, jet-juice, more tries, in & outs and 2 hat tricks. Don McLean said of the Blackbird’s effect on the opposition, “Helter skelter, I’m in need of shelter”!! He demonstrated his true worth to our team by surviving that vicious hand off against Old Cryptians to disrupt the pass just long enough to allow our cover defence to get across, halting a certain try which won us the game.

10. ‘Tsunami’ Joe Hamilton- Out of the late Va’aiga ‘The Bus’ Tuigamala mould and now fully back from injury, a marquee player already playing for Gloucester u17, like all our boys he’s understated and so refreshingly humble, has always let his actions do the talking, a special player

11. Josh ‘HIMARS’ Hansen- So modest, with his incredible reach he had the game changing punch of the iconic rocket launcher named after him, with a bit of legendary John Eales about him, he makes tectonic plates shift for his team, always looks out for his teammates, captained Gloucester & just oozes class – we were blessed to have him on our team.

12. ‘Apache’ Jack Harrison- With the formidable stopping power of the Longbow variant both in defence and attack, this kid was an uber accomplished hooker. He put in numerous momentum halting ‘hellfire’ hits and scored several fantastic tries. What a player!!

13. ‘Crafty’ Barney Heath-Smith- His tackling was seriously courageous, he set our back line alight with his distribution and, Houdini like, he could wriggle out of a tight spot and break any line with his devastating pace giving nightmares to the defending team, he both scored and set up some incredible tries including that season opening match winner against Stow.

14. Johnnie ‘The Rocket’ Hogg- His bullet like pass and superior reading of the game meant that we were lucky to have this accomplished and versatile all-rounder for us. With that ballistic intercontinental ‘boomer’ of a boot I’ve heard he’s joining SpaceX very soon, a lovely kid but beware – if you rile him, he is likely to metamorphose into Antoine Dupont!!

15. Charlie ‘For Valour’ Houlston- Peerless and with the heart of an ox, this season he was the most mentioned player in dispatches due to his unsurpassed influence and deserving of Willie John comparisons, so many things to say including omnipotent, inspiration, tries, assists, bear hugs tackles and a deft pair of hands as evidenced by that pick up, at pace, of a slimy ball from his boot laces away at murky Drybrook. Wow!

16. ‘X factor’ Fabe Karadia- A very good rugby player, our modern-day Scarlet Pimpernel, we didn’t glimpse much of him this year but when we did, he came from nowhere and helped get us out of various jams on several occasions.

17. Charlie ‘The Tomahawk’ Langmaid- Sophisticated missile with fire and forget guidance system, Freddie Stewart like in both attack & defense, imperious under the high ball, an accomplished kicker, bamboozled the opposition (& all of us) with his one-handed offloads. Abrasive yet classy competitor.

18. Fearless ‘Faf’ le Roux- His self-confidence has come on so much this season and I forgot to mention Jack, Rassie called when you were on your paper round, he needs you to start at hooker, open side, AND scrumhalf against Scotland in Marseilles, is that okay?

19. ‘Bazooka’ Ben Lord- Oh Lordy what a star, where does one start? A tough guy and the charismatic showman of our team, with that mischievous grin, a Hollywood career beckons, rumoured to have the starring role as ‘ The Scud’ in the remake of ‘The Great Escape’.

20. ‘Sublime’ Chung Lu- Like Lawrence Dallaglio in his prime, he was always on the charge somewhere, epitomised by his response to the Ambush at Soggy Bottom (game away against Saracens), serious work rate in the grunt department of the scrum, fearless and uncompromising tackler. One of our team’s unsung heroes.

21. Ryan ‘The Magician’ McBane- Abracadabra, a great reader of the game and as Blackadder said of him “as cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning”, elusive ability to take the ball to the opposition line, a smart defender, an intelligent kicker and always kind to his teammates. What a talented all-rounder and another one of our great guys.

22. Alex ‘Captain Marvellous’ Moore- Wowzers, what a precocious talent and inspiring leader, our midfield sledgehammer, always encouraged and always led by example, it is lucky for Sonny-Bill that he’s already retired!!

23. Adam ‘Knight’ Ryder- we all love our ever-popular action hero, Adam, who always operated several paradigms ahead of the rest of us mere mortals on the rugby pitch. We remember him for many things especially his joie de vivre, ‘that’ pass against Old Richians (& Minch) and the countless Jack Willis heroic defensive efforts including at the Battle of Bredon Hill.

24. Kai ‘The Sherman’ Sherrington- One of our most formidable and rugged tanks, the thinking man of our team who was always understated, electric and often operated in dangerous stealth mode, known as the ‘Mr Strong’ of our squad he was afraid of no man.

25. Luke ‘Skywalker’ Smith- This phenomenal powerhouse of a kid was a Jedi Knight out of the Ellis Genge mould right from the very start. For all his prodigious talent he always helped those around him to be better rugby players and only ever encouraged. How lucky for us that he was on our side.

26. ‘Mesmeric’ Max Stanley-Jones- Like all our boys, so refreshingly normal, they were queuing around the colosseum in Rome to get a peek of Gladiator Maximus in action, this wunderkind made Richie McCaw look ordinary, what else is there to say?

27. ‘Silky’ Sam Stevens- Mr reliable who always did the basics right but had that effortless extra gear when his team needed it. Entertained us with great panache, no one will ever forget that match winning try against Bredon with even Pele still smiling down on him.

28. Angus ‘Zinzan’ Walker- What happens when you fuse Kieran Reid with Zinzan Brooke? I remember that debut try against Stow and thinking, who is this kid? I never thought that again!! So many standout moments including that whole game against Old Cryptians where he would have made ‘Reido’ look mundane, effortlessly awesome in both attack & defence. What a star.

29. ‘Sizzling’ Sam Woodward- Our fantastic blond bombshell hooker, this kid was pure gold with his huge heart and a massive work ethic, at the bottom of every pile of rubble, great line out throw in, nowadays he makes Hercules look puny, a player’s player and our ultimate team person evidenced by his huge positivity and encouragement.

Forever young and always in our hearts ….

Finally, I know I speak for our whole touchline when I say that it has been the privilege of a lifetime to watch our boys individually and collectively grow as an incredible team. Yes, at times, with their hair-raising, ‘live and die by the sword’ style of rugby, they put us on the edge of a collective nervous breakdown; they made our hair greyer, our coronary arteries became more furred, some of us developed stress related stomach ulcers, others suffered insomnia and we all still have neurotic tremors and stutters (even my shrink is in therapy, thanks for asking). However, none of us could get enough of this adrenaline infused and addictive ‘do or die’ champagne rugby that ‘our boys’ played, and we just loved the escapism that their breath-taking and exhilarating brand of rugby treated us to. Their uplifting spirit projected onto us leaving our serotonin levels brimming and we were all made to feel very proud and special. Nowadays, the world often seems like a much darker, more stressful, and less certain place constantly filled with brain fog. However, the respite they provided us with on a Sunday morning left us with hope, light and optimism that everything might just be okay. They took a world of lemons and turned it into lemonade, proving time and again that nice guys don’t have to come second. On behalf of your adoring touchline, and to our magnificent team of 29, who in our hearts will remain our forever young superheroes and who provided us all with such joy, THANK YOU!!!

Hein ‘Tolstoy’ le Roux